The Eyes of My Beholder

I came across this poem today.  It really spoke to me especially where I'm at today.

The Eyes of My Beholder


In the eyes of my beholder

I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

In the eyes of my beholder

I have a love that time can’t break.



He has planned each of my days.

Then walks beside me

to guide me in His ways.

I don’t fear abandonment.

Not even in great discouragement.

Nor, times when I have turned from Him.



Sometimes I try to trudge my own path,

but He waits constantly calling me back.

Back to His side where times still can get rough.

But I live in a peace,

and an unwavering trust.



He has seen every blemish,

every mistake, every fault.

He was right beside me

when I was hoping no one was watching at all.

I feel an ache in my heart

that I know is from Him.

Saying, daughter don’t keep coveting this sin.



I drop to my knees

in tears and shame.

He reaches out to me,

and I can clearly see

the scars on His hands.

That reminds me of His great plan.



He lifts me to my feet again,

but I drop back down in front of Him.

This time not in grief or shame,

but in worship to His great name.



In the eyes of my beholder

what He sees in me no single word would suffice.

But He clearly showed me that

I was worth the greatest sacrifice.


By Sarah Misch

Good Grief

I read a description of grief as described by a mother of a premie who had apparently had a prolonged hospital course as a result.  His mother described her grief in way I could relate to.  I hadn't relaized much of what I have been feeling was grief. She experiences grief over the loss of the child she expected.  I experienced the loss of my marriage and so much more. She says in her description....

I learned about grief during this time. I learned that no matter the true temperature, grief made the air crisp and cold; that it caused me to drive slowly, carefully; there was very little I could eat. I learned that I didn't notice things until they flew out at me and that most stories and movies and books and news articles were unreadable, being accounts not of the story itself, but of me. Of what I had lost and would never have again, of what I once allowed myself to want, the things I used to love. Of small consolations no longer available. I learned that my heart could stop and start a dozen times a day and that my throat felt so sore and tight I often had to swallow air simply in order to breathe. The world receded; everything took place in slow motion and was viewed as if down the wrong end of a very long telescope. So much was unfamiliar that if I was asked my name, I had to think for long moments. "Grief is a visceral process of disengagement," a friend said....

NOTE:  I forgot to note the source when I saved this post.  I apoligize and if you were the author of this please let me know!

Banquet 2010

Spring Banquet 2010 has come and gone now. It was a "Garden Party" held at a Victorian mansion in NE Portland.  Maggie went with Connor Sprague, her current beau. He is an adorable guy...cute, funny, nice. She looked stunning that night and he was darling. He had the coolest patent leather Converse and I did sneak a picture of them!   Evan also went with his then girlfriend Hannah, but I have yet to see a single picture!  Bummer for me!

Just for Fun: Masculine and Feminine

This is a great post I read on another blog today and thought it worthy of saving!

Just for Fun: Masculine and Feminine

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la Casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (’la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (’el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

What happened to the person I knew?

I have been amazed lately at how much my now ex-husband has changed since alcohol has consumed his world. I have thought for a while that he hasn't looked well. I used to think there were times he didn't look well but did have times that he looked like his normal self. I am very sad that I haven't seen his normal self in a very long time. I wonder if maybe the change I see is not related to alcohol. Maybe I am just overly sensitive to any changes in him. I do think when a person begins questioning themselves in a situation that involves an alcoholic, that it is likely the co-dependency, or whatever it's called, type of cycle. I have read about those who live with an alcoholic who spend their life trying to decide if the other person is an alcoholic, while the alcoholic is expending as much energy trying to convince those around them that they aren't an alcoholic. When you are in this world, you lose sight of what is normal and slowly accept their world as normal. You get sucked in. For me, I can just be done with the situation, but its not as easy for my kids. This is their dad. He will likely always be in my life because he is their dad, but I can choose aomeone else as a life partner. I suppose they can make the same choice but it is a long painful road to get to the place where you think that is necessary for your own personal survival. I wish we weren't in this situation. Our divorce has been painful enough without the alcoholism or "problem drinking" overshadowing it. I would have never guessed in a million years that we would be in this place. I mean Will was the best dad, the best husband, the best dentist. He really is the best at everything he does. I don't know why he doesn't see himself in that light. It breaks my heart to see him let go of these things as the alcohol consumes his life. I am sad for him. I am sad for our children. I am sad for me. I am sure God is the saddest of all.

One Year Later

 

It has been almost exactly 1 year since the kids and I moved from our family home. We have settled somewhat in our new place, with most walls having been painted and most floors being covered. It seemed Will and I would be "seperated" indefinitely. There had been no progress on our divorce as neither of us had attorneys anymore. Well last Friday our 'dissolution' (fancy legal term for divorce) was scheduled for actual trial. I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there and I will spare sharing all the ghory details for now. The short version is that I arrived at the courthouse married and left there "DIVORCED." What a hideous word. What a hideous place. What a hideous thing that has broken up our family. I did have hope over the past year that we could work things out. Unfortunately, he never wavered, never showed any interest. Its funny that he acts like he hardly knows me. I guess thats where you go when you are divorced. You become strangers with the person whom you've shared everything and all of yourself with for the past 20 years. How did we get to this place? That's too long a story to even try to summarize here. I just have to look forward and keep my eyes on God. Our time here on this earth is really so very short. I hope there will be peace in my heart again someday and in Will's. I hope he finds in life what he's looking for.

Evan graduates from 8th grade!

Evan graduated from 8th grade earlier this month! I can't believe another big milestone has come and gone! He will start high school in the fall and we are hoping he will be at Portland Adventist Academy. With 4 kids in church school, its a huge commitment of resources. I was blessed with some help last year and am so grateful for that.

Evan and me

Will and Evan

Jake and Evan